Dignity: The Handshake

Accountability/Righting the Wrong: “Take responsibility for your actions; apologize if you have violated another person’s dignity; make a commitment to change hurtful behavior.”  Dr. Donna Hicks PhD, Leading with Dignity: How to Create a Culture that Brings Out the Best in People 

I want to share with you a story about two people who were able to bury the hatchet and ask for forgiveness. It was a 20+ year journey of anger, frustration, and major violations of dignity that I would say affected both people until the day they shook hands and said I am sorry. This is the story of me and my ex-father-in-law. 

I was married back in August of 1989 to my first wife, and we had a daughter who has turned into a strong woman and an amazing mother. When I met my ex-wife, it was a struggle to get approval from her father. He did not think I was good enough for his daughter and to be honest as I look back on the 24 y/o me, I was not. His disapproval ranged from me being Black to me not having any drive or desire to improve myself. It was a painful time for me, and I became angry which did not lead to me being a good person. 

There was no Dignity Model then, but as I looked back on my life and took my vulnerability inventory (Dr. Donna Hicks PhD) I was carrying around the weight of not being accepted because of my skin color. My ex-father-in-law was the match that lite the fuse that released an angry young man. Everything he thought I was I became. Instead of honoring my dignity and trying to mend our relationship I allowed that anger to destroy every relationship I had. I also wanted to prove to him and everyone that I could make something of myself, so I went to nursing school and became a nurse. The problem is that in my success my anger caused my marriage to end, and that anger affected every relationship I had since. Then about 20+ years later everything changed.

I was at a function for my oldest daughter and my ex-father-in-law was there. He approached me and said, “I want you to know how proud I am of you. I didn’t think you would make it, but you proved me wrong. Please forgive me.” I then said to him. “I am sorry that I could not have been a better husband for your daughter and that I didn’t take the time to get to know you.” We shook hands and that was the last time we spoke.

You may wonder why I am sharing such a personal story with you. First because I believe in that moment my ex-father-in-law taught me a valuable lesson about forgiveness. He taught me that 2 people can come together even after all those years and say I was wrong, and I am sorry. He was brave and he took the first step. I would not have done that. He opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to let go of my anger and forgive myself. I am grateful for that gift he gave me.  

I work hard not to violate the dignity of others but when I do I take the lessons I learned from him, and I take the steps to ask for forgiveness.  

That handshake started my dignity journey, and I am grateful to have had that experience.

My ex-father-in-law has passed on, but I want to put this out to the universe to say thank you for your courage and helping me to truly understand what accountability means. 

“It’s not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.” -Tyler Perry

Charles Redd RN

Dignity Freedom Fighter