In Dr. Dona Hicks’ book on Leading with Dignity chapter 2 is titled “How to Avoid Violating Dignity.” Out of the nineteen chapters in this amazing book I have listen to and read chapter 2 the most. I did this because I wanted to begin to understand how our biology and inherited instincts guide us and how we can begin to learn to overcome our biology so that we will not violate our dignity and the dignity of others. Let me explain.
Dr. Hicks talks about how we have these inherent biological traits that respond when we are threaten or our dignity is violated. Our survival instincts kick in and we respond in three ways “Flight, Flee, or Freeze.” We have these powerful instincts that are hardwired to help us survive. The important point that Dr. Hicks is making is that we must recognize these traits and learn to control them. As Jerome Barkow anthropologist said, “Biology is not our destiny unless we ignore it” (Leading with Dignity: Donna Hicks PhD, Pg. 120). When we begin to understand this it is the first step in honoring our dignity and honoring the dignity of others. This will be difficult, uncomfortable, and challenging. You may find there will be times you are standing alone but there is no greater purpose we have in this life than to honor who we are and to stand up for those who have had their dignity Violated.
Dr. Hicks introduces the 10 temptations to violate dignity in this chapter. I have listed them below and over the next few weeks I am going to focus on these violations as well as discuss what Dr. Hicks talks about in this chapter as the “I” and “Me.”
- Taking the bait: Don’t let the bad behavior of others determine your own behavior
- Saving face: Don’t lie, cover up, or deceive yourself-tell the truth
- Shirking responsibility: Admit when you have violated someone’s dignity
- Seeking false dignity: Avoid the desire for external recognition of dignity by only depending on others praises and approval.
- Seeking false security: Don’t let you need for connection and acceptance compromise your dignity.
- Avoiding conflict: Stand up for yourself. Speak up when your dignity is violated.
- Being the victim: We need to be open enough to know that when relationships breakdown to look within ourselves to see what we can change.
- Resisting feedback: Be open to feedback its our chance to learn and grow.
- Blaming/shaming others to deflect your own guilt: Don’t Blame and shame others to deflect from what you have done.
- Engaging in false intimacy and demeaning gossip: Don’t connect with others threw gossiping and putting down others.
- (Leading with Dignity: Donna Hicks PhD, Pg. 122-127)
I believe that Dr. Hicks gets the point across by introducing the work of philosopher William James who talked about “I” and “Me” which are the two parts of who we are that are often in conflict. The “I” in us sees the world around us. It does not depend on others for our self-worth. We honor the dignity of ourselves and others. The “I” is not reactive and is always open to listening and learning.
The “Me” is our survival instinct. It kicks in when we feel threatened. When we are guided by our “Me” we are more likely to violate dignity of ourselves and others. We are at our most vulnerable and we want to get revenge. We will do anything to be accepted even if it means violating our dignity and the dignity of others.
What we must learn is that when the “Me” wants to respond it looks to the “I.” This will not be easy, and it is lifelong work we need to do. If this doesn’t make sense, I will give you a personal example which I hope will help.
As a Black man I often struggle with thinking I needed to live in two worlds a White one and a Black one. I had to live like two different people every day. In the White world I had to act less black and in the Black world I had to act Blacker (Whatever that meant). I would hear things like “Charles we like you because you’re not like all the rest.” Or “You know you got this job because you are Black.” I would be told I was Black on the outside but White on the inside. I struggled every day because I lived in the “Me” I was just trying to survive and when those instincts kicked in, I violated my dignity and the dignity of others. I was angry and I suffered from depression. I wasn’t living in my “I”. It took a significant event in my life to help me realize I had to change. I did not understand the “I” and “Me” or dignity until I was introduced to Dr. Hicks’ book. I am grateful because now I can share my life experiences and I hope I can help others on their dignity journey.
All of us have this struggle. It is what we choose to do with this conflict that will dictate how we move forward and live our lives. Some days we will fail and some days we will succeed. But it’s the journey and what we learn that will speak to our life history. Every moment is important because there are no guarantees.
As my Brother Tracy M. Redd says, “Every day we wake up is a new day for redemption.”
What better way to redeem ourselves than to live our “I.”
Charles Redd RN
Dignity Freedom Fighter
Dignity Freedom Fighter 